Saiyuki Carols
by UltraM2000
Summary: When Sanzo loses the gold card, the ikkou literally have to sing for their supper! Saiyuki versions of 5 famous X'mas carols.
1. Why Are We Doing This Again?

DISCLAIMER: The author does not claim ownership of Saiyuki, its bishounen or the carols in the fic. Please do not take offense at the parodies. ;)  
  
"Explain to me again," Sanzo growled, "WHY exactly we're doing this."  
  
"Very simple," Hakkai smiled agreeably. "We ran into a pack of rabid demons, one of whom scratched your sleeve open and thus possibly let fall the Sanbutsushin gold card. After the fight we decided to have dinner at this establishment, and suddenly found we couldn't pay. We had a choice of either washing the dishes, or entertaining the guests." Two-beat pause. "It appeared the proprietor's daughter decided for us."  
  
"And at this rate, I'd rather wash dishes," groused scarlet-haired half-demon Gojyo.  
  
"Hakkai, that was a RHETORICAL question."  
  
"Was it?"  
  
"Naa, Sanzo, what's a rhetorical? It sounds like a herb," Goku asked.  
  
"It would take too long to explain, considering your brain is the size of a walnut."  
  
"I thought it was closer to a peppercorn," snickered Gojyo under his breath.  
  
"Oh shut UP, Gojyo. I'm not the one prancing around half-naked. Santa NEVER looked like a J-rocker."  
  
"I'M not the one dressed up as a snowman. Or should I say, snow MONKEY." Gojyo fingered his very tight, very shiny red leather vest and pants as if he had been mortally insulted.  
  
"Maa, maa, minna," Hakkai soothed. "You both look very cute..."  
  
"We're not AIMING for cute!" howled the two in unison.  
  
"...Stylish, then. But Santa--I mean, SANZO might not appreciate all the noise. Have you memorised your scripts already? We have to go once they give me my elf costume, and Hakuryuu his reindeer antlers."  
  
"Kyuuuuuu." The cry sounded almost mortified.  
  
"Hrmph." Sanzo buried himself deeper in the chair--or at least, as deep as he could get in the hard wooden armchair, and for want of a better word, sulked.   
  
He couldn't remember being this embarassed since Koumyou decided Kouryuu would look ever so cute as Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer in some annual Christmas pageant. 


	2. Here we Go!

"Good evening, minasan!" chirped the innkeeper's bubbly daughter Merisu. "Tonight, since it's Christmas, we have very special guests to entertain us! So please, please put your hands together to welcome...the Honourable Genjo Sanzo-ikkou! Yaaaaayyyy!!!! Shang shang guli guli! Clap, minasan! ^_^"  
  
"...How did she just insert those funny symbols into her speech?" Goku asked.  
  
"Dunno. This IS a fanfic," hissed Gojyo as the curtains opened to reveal a restaurant full to the rafters, mostly with screaming young women drowning in their own saliva. The casanova's eyebrows went up into his fringe. Talk about being spoilt for choice!  
  
"Thank you, minasan, for your warm welcome!" Hakkai greeted the audience. He seemed to be not at all perturbed at the situation, despite being dressed in green tights, a funny Peter-Pannish tunic and disgusting shoes with turned-up toes and jingly bells on the ends. "We're very pleased to be here tonight to entertain you...because it's a damn sight better than washing dishes," he added under his breath. "I am Cho Hakkai, and I would like to introduce the other members of my group: Sha Gojyo--"  
  
"Hey girls!"  
  
"Eeeee! Gojyoooooo!" "Gojyo-sama!" "We wuv you, erogappa!" "Ohmigod, look at those PECS!" "Yeah, it's way better than what we saw in Requiem!" "Gojyo-sama! MARRY ME!" "Eeeew, a GUY just said that!?"  
  
"...Son Goku!"  
  
"Hi everyone! I'm hungry!"  
  
"We'll feed you, Goku-chan! We'll feed you!" "Son Goku! Marry me!" "Stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!" "He's so cuuuuuuute!"  
  
"...and last but certainly not least, Genjyo Sanzo!"  
  
At the utterance of the holy name, the crowd almost stampeded. I say almost, because if Sanzo hadn't put two bullet holes in the wall at the back of the restaurant, they most certainly would.  
  
"Um...well, thank you, Sanzo. Please put your hands together, minna, as we sing our special versions of Christmas carols for you tonight! Ready, minna?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Ch'."  
  
"All right, then. One...two...three!" 


	3. The Twelve Saiyuki Days Of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS  
  
On the first day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
A little heretic monkey  
  
On the second day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Two Marlboros and a little heretic monkey  
  
On the third day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Three kappas, two Marlboros and a little heretic monkey  
  
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Four monocles, three kappas, two Marlboros and a little heretic monkey  
  
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Five nikuman!  
  
Four monocles, three kappas, two Marlboros and a little heretic monkey  
  
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Six fans a-whacking etc.  
  
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Seven planes a-flying etc.  
  
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Eight dragons driving etc.  
  
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Nine sutras flapping etc.  
  
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Ten demon princes etc.  
  
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Eleven demons dying etc.  
  
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Aspects gave to me,  
  
Twelve journeys Westwards, eleven demons dying, ten demon princes, nine sutras flapping, eight dragons driving, seven planes a-flying, six fans a-whacking,  
  
Five nikuman!  
  
Four monocles, three kappas, two Marlboros and a little heretic monkey! 


	4. O Come All Ye Stupid

O COME ALL YE STUPID (sung to tune of O Come All Ye Faithful)  
  
O come, all ye stupid, careless and foolhardy,  
  
Come ye, O come ye to Tenjiku  
  
Come and let's gore him, cattle king of demons,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him, Gyuumaou!  
  
Screech, choirs of demons, screech in exultation,  
  
Screech, all ye demon hordes of Tenjiku,  
  
Screech, for the Sanzo, meat of life unending,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him, Gyuumaou!  
  
Ghost of ghosts, fright of frights,  
  
Lo, he adores not the human race,  
  
Bull Demon King, sealed but not destroyed,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him,  
  
O come and let us gore him, Gyuumaou! 


	5. Raucous Night

RAUCOUS NIGHT (sung to tune of Silent Night)  
  
Raucous night, unholy night,  
  
Drives are calm, till they fight,  
  
Round the bouzu, whacking the throng,  
  
Driver smiling like nothing's wrong,  
  
There's no heavenly peace,  
  
There's no heavenly peace.  
  
Raucous night, unholy night,  
  
Demons quake at the sight,  
  
As the blonde monk puts out their lights,  
  
In another of countless fights,  
  
Sanzo, danger from birth,  
  
Sanzo, danger from birth.  
  
Raucous night, unholy night,  
  
Here's an inn, stop, that's right,  
  
Eat and fight over one fish ball,  
  
Run as Sanzo threatens us all,  
  
Thus our journey goes on,  
  
Thus our journey goes on. 


	6. Jingle Bells Saiyuki Style

JINGLE BELLS  
  
*  
  
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,  
  
Oh what fun it is to ride in a dragon-jeep today, oh!  
  
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,  
  
Oh what fun it is to ride in a dragon-jeep today!  
  
Bumping down the road, in a dragon-jeep today,  
  
Over fields we go, fighting all the way,  
  
Veins on Sanzo pop, making Goku sweat,  
  
The monk might shoot to make it stop but we're not finished yet. oh!  
  
*  
  
A day or two ago, we thought a short-cut called,  
  
And suddenly we found some demons had just squalled,  
  
The brutes were lean and lank, and wanted Sanzo stew,  
  
But Genjyo Sanzo killed the ranks with just his shoureijuu, oh!  
  
* 


	7. Sanzo Ikkou's Coming To Town

SANZO-IKKOU'S COMING TO TOWN (sung to tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)  
  
You better watch out,  
  
You'd better not cry,  
  
You'd better not pout,  
  
I'm telling you why,  
  
Sanzo-ikkou's coming to town  
  
There's the grumpy blonde monk,  
  
The monkey who's fun,  
  
The sexy half-breed,  
  
The smiley nice one,  
  
Sanzo-ikkou's coming to town  
  
They're brash and really reckless,  
  
They play with scary stakes,  
  
Though we can't say they're purely bad,  
  
They're not GOOD, for goodness sake!  
  
You better watch out,  
  
You'd better not cry,  
  
You'd better not pout,  
  
I'm telling you why,  
  
Sanzo-ikkou's coming to town! 


	8. The Aftermath

"Words cannot express how glad I am that's over," gasped Gojyo, almost tearing himself out of his scarlet leather trappings.  
  
"I thought you'd like the attention," Hakkai said blandly as he folded the elf costume up neatly and put away the reindeer antlers (much to Hakuryuu's relief).  
  
"Not when I get wrenched from the stage and almost undressed by 20 of Merisu's screaming friends--8 of them male. That's a little too much, even for me."  
  
"At least the stunt got us a room for the night," Sanzo shrugged nonchalantly. "Unfortunately, it's almost sunrise."  
  
"Awww, the bouzu needs his beauty sleep. Want your widdle teddy bear to go beddy-byes with you, San-chan?"  
  
"Shut up or you'll never see another sunrise, kappa."  
  
"Minna!" Goku burst into the room, returned from his mid-early-morning snack. "I--I--I--I--!"  
  
"Calm down, Goku, and tell us the whole story."  
  
"It's a catasprophe--I mean castratomy--crashpostrophe--DISASTER!" the youth finally managed to sputter. "I just met Merisu downstairs, and--and--and--it's terrible!"  
  
"What? You lost your virginity to her?"  
  
"NO."  
  
"There are demons attacking this town, and we have to help?"  
  
"Nuh-uh."  
  
"They're out of food."  
  
"Noooo! She said we were really good last night!"  
  
"Isn't that GOOD?"  
  
"Noooo! She wants us to come back and do it again NEXT year!"  
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!"  
  
-end?- 


End file.
